The most common characteristic of alcoholics and addicts is defiance. Seriously, we are defiant and independent people. However, we are defiant to a fault. For most of us, it goes way beyond simply not being a pushover or marching to the beat of our own drum. For many of us, our defiant streak goes too far. We rebel even against sound advice or good reason. We are so unwilling to follow orders that we even ignore good sense much of the time. When defiance manifests like this, it can be extremely troublesome. Surely any of us can reach back into our past experiences and easily find a handful of times when our defiance caused us more trouble than it was worth. Learning to cease fighting everything and everyone is a crucial part of breaking this cycle. This is true for almost all alcoholics and addicts.
Defiance vs. Strength: Understanding the Difference
Defiance is normally mistaken for strength, especially amongst us who have had addiction problems. We like to think that being obstinate, opposing authority, and not complying makes us strong. The reality, however, is that true strength is not opposing everything—it’s understanding when to oppose and when to surrender.
There is a fine line between independence and self-destruction. Independence allows us to make healthy decisions, establish healthy boundaries, and be responsible for our actions. Defiance will cause us to push away the very people and solutions that would be helpful to us. Strength does not lie in opposing everything—it lies in being willing to do what is right even when it is uncomfortable.
When we transmute defiance into resilience, we grow stronger. Instead of pushing recovery away, we embrace it. Instead of pushing help away, we permit it. We no longer see surrender as a weakness but come to recognize it as the gateway to real power.
The Relationship Between Defiance and Trauma
For some of us, defiance is not a character flaw—it’s a survival mechanism. If we grew up in instability, abuse, or chaos, defiance may have been the only thing that helped us feel in control. Maybe we learned that we couldn’t trust authority, so we defied it at every turn. Maybe we were wounded by those who were supposed to protect us, so we learned to rely only on ourselves.
But what once protected us may now be blocking us. If we’re constantly in battle mode, we’re never allowing ourselves time to recover. If we fight off assistance, we never get to experience what it feels like to be cared for. If we’re still pushing others away, we never get to experience the ease of connection.
Being healed from trauma doesn’t mean we don’t still protect ourselves—it means we do it in new ways. Instead of defiance, we develop discernment. Instead of shutting people out, we choose whom we will let in. Instead of resisting healing, we embrace it as a path to wellness.
The Role of Ego in Defiance and Resistance
Ego is a tricky animal. It leads us to think we don’t need any assistance, that we’re different from other individuals, and that we have all the answers. In addiction, our ego tells us we’re in charge as everything around us collapses. In recovery, it informs us that we don’t need to listen to our sponsor, work the Steps, or seek help.
The Twelve Steps offer a powerful antidote to ego—humility. Step Three demands that we turn our will over to something larger than ourselves, which means admitting that we’re no longer the boss. Step Four forces us to take a tough, honest look at ourselves and shows us how ego has trapped us in unhealthy patterns.
Letting go of ego does not give us a loss of identity. Just the opposite—it provides us with clarity. It allows us to see we don’t have to do every fight alone. It makes us alright with the reality that our way didn’t work and opens us up to doing it differently. By letting go of ego, we become open to true transformation.
Defiance and the Twelve Steps
If defiance is so common amongst us, but also so troublesome, what are we to make of it? And why does it vex so many of us? Well, the literature of recovery (affectionately known as the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous) has plenty to say about defiance and what we can do about it. The first step in putting our defiance in its proper place is to accept that we have to work the Twelve Steps. First things first — let’s at least try to curb our defiance long enough to get our lives saved, right? If we can listen to the suggestions of our sponsor and follow the guidance in the Big Book, we are not only well on our way to easing our defiant streak. We are also taking our first steps into freedom and recovery.
But we must do our best to keep our attitudes out of the way as we work the Twelve Steps. We will want to defy, to do it our way or not do it all. If we give in to this, we put our very lives at risk, for we may not find recovery if we resist the Steps. However, if we can follow the guidance of our sponsor and the Big Book and work the Twelve Steps honestly, open-mindedly, and willingly, great things will begin to happen for us. Once we’ve made it past the 10th Step, the Big Book says this: “Love and tolerance of others is our code. And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone — even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned.”
Yes, sanity returns to us in the process of working the Steps. That’s a good enough reason on its own to work the program of recovery, but it’s far from the only benefit. Love and tolerance of others is indeed our code. But suffice to say that we alcoholics and addicts often only learn to be loving and tolerant through working the Twelve Steps. What about the “we have ceased fighting” part? What exactly does that mean? Let’s dig in.
Cease Fighting
Does ceasing fighting anything and anyone just mean that we quit? Give up? Roll over? Absolutely not! Ceasing the fight does not mean that we become pushovers or doormats. In fact, the Big Book says that we kneel before none but our higher power. What it does mean is that we let our higher power reign in our defiance, we begin to accept instruction and guidance, and we quit resisting the forces of good working through us.
What does it mean to cease fighting alcohol? It means that by working the Twelve Step process continuously, we are put in what’s called the position of neutrality. This means that we don’t even think about drugs or alcohol anymore — it’s simply something we don’t do. And we’re able to stay sober and in recovery without having to fear, resist, or fight the mental obsession that used to plague us. That’s huge!
But how do we get to this place where we can cease fighting everything and everyone, including drugs and alcohol? The answer may not surprise you, but it’s absolutely true: we work the 12-Step program of recovery continuously and in its entirety. The Twelve Steps are the best game in town when it comes to living a life of meaningful, happy freedom and recovery. However, there are some other things we can keep in mind to help us with this goal as we work the Steps.
Acceptance
Acceptance doesn’t mean we just let everything happen to us and we never change anything. That’s apathy. Acceptance simply means that we accept things as they are, people as they are, and situations as they are. We let things be what they are, understanding that the only thing we can ever really change is ourselves. We still take action and we still have drives and desires, but acceptance lets us see the truth and make the changes where they’re actually possible — within ourselves.
Open-Mindedness
Keeping an open mind doesn’t mean that we are wishy-washy or susceptible to everything we hear. But it does mean that we listen intently to advice and guidance, consider it carefully, and take it to counsel with our higher power. Open-mindedness simply means that we are willing to consider and take suggestions and guidance that are given in our best interest. We don’t have to take everyone’s advice all the time to be open-minded, but we put ourselves in a very bad spot if we aren’t at least open-minded when it comes to our higher power and our sponsor. We must be willing to hear the ideas of others and to keep ourselves from immediately defying advice that might save our lives. If doing everything our own way had ever worked, we wouldn’t need the 12-Steps. But we do, so maybe doing it all our own way isn’t always the best bet.
Handling Conflict in Sobriety Without Fighting
Just because we get clean and sober doesn’t mean we automatically become experts at handling conflict. Most of us are used to acting on impulse—getting defensive, blowing up, or shutting down. Ending the fighting doesn’t mean never having conflict again, but it does mean learning to deal with it in a healthy way.
Some essential tools for handling conflict in recovery:
- Pause before reacting – Take a moment to think about your response before reacting.
- Check your motives – Are you trying to prove a point, or do you actually want a resolution?
- Listen first – Try to hear what the other person is saying instead of preparing your argument.
- Set boundaries – You do not have to engage in every argument. Some fights are not worth the effort.
- Use “I” statements – Instead of blaming, talk about your experience and feelings.
Daily Practices to Reinforce Acceptance and Open-Mindedness
Ceasing to fight isn’t a one-time decision—it’s a daily practice. Here are some ways to reinforce acceptance and open-mindedness every day:
- Morning Reflection – Start each day by asking, “What am I resisting today? Where can I be more open?”
- Journaling – Write down where defiance showed up and how you handled it.
- Prayer or Meditation – Spend time linking to your higher power and working on surrender.
- Service Work – Working for others deflects our focus from our own resistance and reminds us of the greater scheme of things.
- Step Work – Continuously working the Steps keeps us grounded in humility and growth.
- Accountability – Check in with a sponsor or trusted friend to talk about where defiance may be creeping back in.
- Gratitude Practice – Focusing on what we’re grateful for helps us stay open to life rather than fighting against it.
Recovery is not perfection. It’s willingness. Willingness to listen. Willingness to learn. Willingness to let go of the fights that no longer serve us.
At Jaywalker, we believe in the power of the Twelve Steps and the 12-Step program of recovery. This is the foundation for all we do at Jaywalker, and for many of us it’s the foundation of our personal and private lives, too. We believe in the Twelve Steps so wholeheartedly because they work for us, and we were once in the same position you’re in now. We struggled to achieve or maintain our recovery, and we struggled with alcoholism and addiction. Now, thanks to the 12-Step program, we live lives filled with meaning, happiness, and freedom — and we very much want to share that lifestyle with you. No matter what your story is, no matter how many times you’ve tried and stumbled before, we believe that Jaywalker can make the difference in your life and in your recovery. If you’re ready and willing to begin again, Jaywalker is ready to help you. Call us now at (866) 445-1269.
